F.E.A.R.

3/27/11

F.E.A.R.

You've probably seen this acronym: False Expectations Appearing Real—FEAR.

Fear can be many things—and many of those things not so good. Admittedly, there is rational and appropriate fear which triggers our fight/flight/freeze mechanism—we get a boost of chemicals that can change our chemistry that can change our physiology to be able to do things we wouldn't normally be able to do—an adrenaline rush, we say.

But the large majority or our fear responses are much less resourceful, leading to excess stress, worry, compromised immune function, negativity, anger, and the list goes on.

I hear many teachers, writers, and speakers tell us how to reduce fear; some of these techniques can be somewhat helpful. I hear things like “think positive”, “get rid of the fear”, “be strong or brave,” “don't let them see you sweat”, “conquer your fears”, etc.

It may be helpful to look at fear a little differently.

Like all base emotions, fear is energy in motion—e-motion. We don't create or destroy energy, only block it or direct it. Blocking our fears is a natural tendency, and a limiting one. Attempts to block fear by denying, avoiding, procrastinating, or running from it will only send it deeper. I think it is far more useful to do 3 things: name it, face it, embrace it.

Name It

Identifying our fears gives us the opportunity to know what we are truly dealing with--”you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.” Fear is often an exaggerated response that makes things seem worse and far more unmanageable than they need to be. When we know what we are afraid of, we can form an effective plan of action.

Face It

Running from fear is avoidance. By bringing our fear into awareness, we can begin to distinguish what is rational and what is irrational or exaggerated. A phobia is one of those exaggerated and irrational responses kept alive by avoidance which allows it to take over our lives. Face it by seeing it, talking to it, listening to it, and challenging the “false expectations” that fear can trigger.

Embrace It

You can embrace fear as a natural and useful response to situations that probably began as a very helpful and useful positive intent—then grew out of proportion. To embrace fear, acknowledge it and accept it—even be grateful for it—stop making it such a powerful enemy to which we give so much power that our sense of self is diminshed. This is how we arrive at such disempowered states.

Finally, fear is the other side of desire or love. Begin to direct your consciousness to what you desire, and fear loses its power. It doesn't “get rid” of it, it merely exposes it for what it is—a feeling that can create an expectation that turns into a set of experiences.

The most limiting and destructive outcomes of mismanaged fear are mistrust and loss of hope. Trust and hope are essential for fulfilling our potential in all aspects of life including relationship, health, prosperity, and bliss.

So here is the formula for managing fear: name it, face it, embrace it, then direct your attention and intention to desire—what do you want, what do you love, what is your passion, what is your vision? In the field of desire, fear loses its power and its hold on your life.

Blessings,

Gary

Sing Your Song

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. ~ Chinese Proverb

I was inspired by my 12 year old daughter Tedi this weekend.  She has made a huge transition this week--from  wanting to be a singer to "being" a singer.  This transition has moved her from hoping, dreaming, and fearing--measuring herself by what others might think--to doing what she loves!  

She spent the entire weekend practicing, performing for us, recording, and uploading videos to YouTube. (Check her out at "doitup128" on YouTube!")  

Now she knows she has plenty of work ahead, but she is undaunted by the task at hand--because she believes she is a singer--and she's getting better by the day. Not because she thinks she has mastered her performance, rather because she loves to sing.  She is a bird who has song in her heart.

I think of the best times in my life and find that when I sing because I have a song, life is sweet. When I try to do it right, look for answers, concern myself with what others think, or measure myself by something outside me, I struggle. When I grow up, I want to be just like Tedi!!

Each of us has so much to offer--what a shame that we waste so much of our talent and gifts by anxiously measuring ourselves by some external standard.

What do you want to sing about?  What do you want to offer to the world?  What makes your heart sing?  It doesn't matter how good you are or think you are--or aren't--just sing!!

I'm going to do some singing this week--how about joining me!!

Blessings,

Gary

The Problem is not the Problem

I've been saturating my life with an onslaught of healing modalities. I'm in the process of combining and synthesizing some of my insights to create a basic healing program--I'll be sharing that very soon.

One of the basic insights that keeps coming up is that the "problem" is not the problem--it is almost always something unseen. As I reflect on my own history of getting caught up in some current or longstanding issue I may struggle with, I realize that I get caught in a loop of stress or distress about something that later seems like a wild goose chase. Einstein said that we can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created the problem in the first place--we have to go deeper.

For example, I have struggled with financial issues my entire life. My attempted solutions have usually been to either cut spending and/or make more money. Yet when I make what should be plenty of income, the struggle remains or soon reappears. As I have immersed myself in the study of energy and the chakras, I am realizing that the "problem" is something much deeper and more profound. The first chakra--root chakra--is the energy center of power in general and the 3d chakra is about identity and personal power. I am now seeing that I have weakend or blocked this 3d chakra thereby limiting my personal power. Money is simply a symbol of power. So  making more money doesn't solve the "problem"--clearing the 3d chakra and increasing my sense of personal power is where I need to do more work. This has been incredibly freeing for me.

Another example is a longstanding frustration at my lack of organizational ability. This has created unbelievable stress and disempowerment in simple things like planning, organizing, completing projects, and coordinating tasks. I have tried for years to write a book, plan activities, organize my life, accomplish tasks--all to little avail.  In researching brain function, I have found that the executive function of the brain lies in the frontal cortex. This eventually led to realizing that I have ADD.  ADD is a condition in which the frontal cortex cools when it should be lighting up when trying to focus attention necessary for writing, organizing, and completing tasks. This has led to massive distraction and procrastination. So all the time management, project management courses, writing classes, etc have not helped--because these were not the real problems--they were symptoms of the deeper problem of brain function. I am completing a process called "Brain Integration" which claims to cure ADD.

Take a look at the "problems" in your life and see how much progress you are making.  If you aren't getting very far despite your best efforts, then maybe it's time to look deeper--no matter whether you know how to do it or not. When you are looking in the appropriate direction, the answers, solutions, and resources will appear. Really.

I'll be giving more suggestions about some of the deeper stuff as we go along in these blogs. For now, simply observe and inquire. I'm excited to be getting more clarity about this and it's leading me to an abundant supply of resources for any issue. Send me your comments and I'll begin responding to your specific issue.

Blessings,

Gary

When You Know What You Want...

When You Know What You Want... You'll Want What You Know!

I'm often asked, "How do I figure out who I am?"

In the past I may have answered that inquiry with suggestions that included personality type, birth order, archetypes, roles in your original family, talents, skills, etc. These are all rich fields of inquiry ripe with valuable fruits that expand self-awareness.

In the past couple of years I have focused on perhaps the most valuable of all paths to self-awareness: DESIRE.
I am learning that desire and self-knowledge are inseparably linked. Who I am will ALWAYS be revealed in  what I want.

While it can be difficult and even confusing to search for authentic self, as well as quite frustrating, your path of desire will continuously reflect important elements of who you are. This includes dreams, fantasies, daydreams, expectations, values, and beliefs--things that really matter to you. Pay attention to what you want. That want or desire comes from something--what?  Who you are!

I've been speaking with a client recently who has become paralyzed with anxiety and self doubt. A highly talented, competent, and intelligent person who has accomplished much in her life, she now realizes that she "sold out" some of her most important aspects of self by trying hard to please others, accomplish what "they" thought was important, and became quite successful in the world's eyes. In order to achieve at the level "they" encouraged and expected, she put aside her imagination--dreams, fantasies, and possibilities.

She reports to me that she stopped asking what it is that makes her heart sing--and now feels stuck, even trapped, in a life that doesn't fulfill her. We are in the process of asking those fundamental questions: who am I, what do I want, what makes me happy, what truly drives me. We are now taking a step back to explore what it is that she "knows" about her self and her true desires. What is she discovering? That when she tunes in to what she intuitively and deeply knows--her secret ambitions, her traits and attributes, her meaningful talents, her passions--she feels energized, excited, motivated.

Her career may take a very different track as she embodies the long standing advice of the sages, poets, and teachers of many ages. Teachings like "Know Thyself", " The unexamined life is not worth living", and the Rick Nelson line in the song Garden Party: "You can't please everyone so you've got to please yourself". This search is opening up fresh insights and energy for her as she shares that somehow she has always known what  she wants, but somehow learned to put it aside. As she furthers her journey, I expect she'll uncover more and more of what she knows, what she wants, and ultimately, who she is--really is.

Blessings,
Gary

What To Do When Feeling Blue

What To Do When Feeling Blue

Today was a funky day for me. I had one of those more awake than asleep nights and woke up at 6 out of kilter.
I spent the day in a funky fog and accomplished very little. In the past I would have done various state change, inner work, meditation,  and "get out of it" exercises/strategies--instead, today, I spent more time noticing/observing  myself.

Where is it written that every day has to be a sunny productive day?
So tonight I am reflecting and pulling up what I've learned over the last few months. Here are a few of my new strategies for those seemingly less than resourceful moods:

1. When I'm blue, be blue. I prefer to be present to whatever is there rather than resisting my thoughts and feelings. This goes against the grain of what we are taught by most of the experts, but I now trust implicitly my inner world messages--there just may be some important learning and messages for me to get. I choose acceptance of what is over "always be up and at my best". I find that being down can be quite helpful and instructive--feeling down provides me a measurement for what a balanced life can be. I don't want to live there, but it may be good to visit on occasion if for no other reason than to show me how significant I've made  moods and feelings be. They really don't need to be that serious.  What you resist persists. Being present allows me to let the feelings pass.

2. Observe and inquire. Rather than fight it or try to change it, I now ask myself "what is this feeling about?"
Tonight the blue is gone and from this reflective state I can see that I still have miles to go regarding the deadly forces of helplessness, hopelessness, and self-doubt. Life is good, God is good, I am good--feelings and moods don't alter that reality! The blue has passed and I can smile at myself--God, I take things too seriously sometimes!

3. Connect to Source. Wayne Dyer has declared that all problems are a result of feeling disconnected from Source. So as I allowed the feelings to be there, I now can see that I simply got caught in the illusion of separation--in truth, I can never be separate from all that is, all is one. Now that I feel connected with Source, I see clearly what the "disconnection illusion" has cost me in life. This illusion saps the strength, power, and juice from me.  Now I'm excited to get to work tomorrow!  Ideas are starting to pop! It's ALL GOOD!!!

Those are a few of my reflections tonight--what are your reflections showing you tonight?  Are you paying attention?

Blessings,

Gary

When Do People Change?

I'm often asked about change and transformation--how does it happen, when does it occur, what does it take to make significant changes?  I've learned and taught many change strategies over the years, but I've come to appreciate one fundamental truth:  people change when they are truly ready to change.

Ok, great, but what if I want to change now--can I force myself or someone else to change? My answer is not terribly satisfying to most--"NO".  Force is not a very effective change strategy. There are two motivational forces that drive all change--pain and desire. When either is sufficiently charged, some change can occur. I prefer desire as the primary driver for change though sufficient pain can get us started.

I notice in my own life that I can tolerate a ridiculous degree of pain without taking the necessary steps to get into action. Yet there is that moment of threshhold that the Greeks call "Kairos"--the moment of perfect ripeness.  The apple falls from the tree when that perfect moment of ripeness occurs. As the old TV commercial says: "No fine wine before it's time". So inquiry and observation--paying attention--will give us clues as to when the timing is right for particular change.

One of my favorite quotes is from Anais Nin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk to bloom". So I watch myself for those kairos moments. It may take sufficient amounts of frustration or pain to get my attention, but then I look at what I desire--the gap between "what is" and what demands expression will call me to action.

We all have a song to sing, a dance to dance. When the desire to sing and dance is sufficiently charged, the risk of pain--staying tight in the bud--can no longer stop me.

I'm in one of those moments right now--I see it, feel it, desire it. I hope you are paying attention to your own timing process--maybe the time is right for you to take that next set of actions as well.

Blessings,

Gary

Control vs Trust

Control vs Trust




Since my “Three Questions” exercise a couple of days ago, I have been in a somewhat quiet and reflective place. I've taken a look again at where stress comes from in my life and I see that it is largely tied up in my need to control and get rid of things I don't like in my circumstances. I don't like financial struggle, so I try to fix it by getting rid of it and controlling it. When I am stressed or worried about something, I keep expecting it to be different, so I avoid and resist accepting it and embracing it.



Growth is more about acceptance of “what is” than having things be the way I want them to be in a given moment. This ultimately becomes an issue of trust. I think about Jesus' teaching: “Consider the lilies, they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass...how much more does he clothe you?”



We live in an abundant universe. We focus so much on scarcity and lack that we miss some good stuf. Our attempts to control blocks our ability to trust in that fundamental abundance and goodness of all of life.



I listened to a talk today that speaks to this. Check it out and see if it resonates with you. It did with me.



http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html



Blessings,



Gary

Three Questions

Three Questions


I woke up this morning with a thought—what are the 3 questions I could ask myself today that would forward my ongoing transformation? I want something that will focus, organize, direct, and structure my reflections for the day. Here's the format I came upwith:

1.Get into a relaxed state

2.Take a few deep letting go breaths

3.Quiet my mind

4.Open my heart

5.Ask the 3 questions

6.Let the first response come with no expectation, censoring, or editing

First Question

WHO AM I TODAY?

I realize that every day is a new opportunity to expand my sense of self. I get to create and recreate myself in ways that move me toward the ongoing unfolding of my potential.

What came up: “I am a deeply committed teacher of change and transformation. I love people and I love to help people—I am a person who makes a difference.”

Second Question

WHAT DO I WANT TODAY?

What came up: “I want to live my life today as though it matters—I matter. I want to release my self from doubt, worry, stress, and unrealistic expectations as I create this day full of desire and meaning.”

Third Question

WHAT DO I CHOOSE TODAY?

What came up: “I choose to live today simply, purposefully, and intentionally toward accomplishing small things that forward my progress toward creating a life of contribution by doing what I said I will do—follow my daily practice (previously designed and written) with desire and goal-directed tasks which I list—and write—each night before I go to bed.”

These are the 3 questions that are congruent with my 5 Foundational Principles of Integrity, Relatedness, Responsibility, Intentionality, and Accountability.

I'm going to have a fabulous day!! Hope you do too!

Blessings,

Gary

Physician Heal Thyself

Physician, Heal Thyself

I'm not a physician but the message applies. For 40 years I've been helping people professionally and I've often said that I can only take people as far as I've gone myself. Even though I have done years of self examination, undergone hundreds of personal and marriage counseling sessions, read hundreds of books, numerous seminars and classes, countless spiritual exercises, retreats, meditation, and transformational experiences, years of clinical training, a masters in theology (M Div), many spiritual teachers, and you name it-- I have often felt like an impostor. I've felt like something was wrong with me—somehow different than most people—and unable to accomplish some very important goals—like how to manage money, create consistent income, be more disciplined, write my books. I never seemed to make much progress with finances and professional goals—too disorganized, little follow through, procrastination, memory issues, and serious resistance to paper work.

Other people seemed to handle some of these basic skills—people who haven't done a fraction of the work on themselves that I have done. So what the hell is the problem? Now I'm not denying the skills, talents, and accomplishments that I have attained, in fact I'm proud of many things. Yet everyday I wake up feeling that I have fallen far short of my potential.

Over the last few years I have spiraled down into a very dark place. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. Negative beliefs. Loss of confidence. And depression. These go against the grain of all that I believe and teach. I've reached a point this year that borders on despair.

Now I know this isn't likely to win me any positive thinking awards; nor is my revealing all this likely to draw tons of business, but it is the truth. I often teach “make the private public” and “you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.” So I'm taking my own medicine, and renewing my commitment to practice what I preach. One of my strengths is that I don't give up on the things most important to me. That's why I'm writing these blogs.

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with ADD. I can't tell you what an impact this has made--anger, confusion, questions--but mostly relief. I suddenly have a name for “what is wrong with me”. At first I feared I might be using this as an excuse, so I pretty much put it aside thinking I can fix this myself. Well I can't. I need help—structure, support, and maybe medication.

My learning lesson for the day: “Do something.” I can't do everything I want to do and certainly not everything well—but I can do something. So today I choose to do what I can do—and without self-criticism, scorn, or shame. One task at a time, one day at a time--”the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Blessings,

Gary

Introduction

Welcome to my blog. Thanks for coming by!

Hi, I'm Gary Rollins.  For the past 40 years I have been helping people through ministry, psychotherapy, business consulting, seminars, speeches, groups, intensive weekends, spiritual mentoring, coaching, and generally guiding people through all sorts of challenges.

But this blog is about me--my thoughts, my issues, my life--though I certainly hope there is something for you to gain here and I'd love for you to join me on this journey. 

For the next several weeks I will be sharing some very personal reflections as I deal with some significant issues (to me) like serious financial struggle, depression, stress, overwhelm, and recently diagnosed ADD.  I will not be sugar coating the issues nor trying to show you how much I know or how smart I am--though I can't help but teach--it's a part of who I am. Neither will I be putting on my martyring hat and trying to get you to feel sorry for me.  I will simply be "making the private public" as thousands of people have heard me preach for most of the last 40 years of teaching.

Have you ever wondered what goes on inside the head of a psychotherapist, teacher, minister, or spiritual teacher?  If so, then stay tuned--I'll be as honest as I can be.  I'd like to say that I'll keep these blog posts short and to the point like the experts suggest.  However, knowing me, they'll probably tend to be lengthier than necessary.  You'll probably also see how my mind can ramble on--though again, I'll so my best to stay on topic.  I now realize these are aspects of ADD and I am learning to embrace some of my limitations.

You'll quickly see that I am neither a polished nor professional writer. I do hope you'll also see a real human being, with real issues as well as strengths, and one who is passionately committed to growth and transformation in myself as well as the people who trust me and count on me for guidance.

Thanks for joining me--I hope you find some value here.

Gary