Physician Heal Thyself

Physician, Heal Thyself

I'm not a physician but the message applies. For 40 years I've been helping people professionally and I've often said that I can only take people as far as I've gone myself. Even though I have done years of self examination, undergone hundreds of personal and marriage counseling sessions, read hundreds of books, numerous seminars and classes, countless spiritual exercises, retreats, meditation, and transformational experiences, years of clinical training, a masters in theology (M Div), many spiritual teachers, and you name it-- I have often felt like an impostor. I've felt like something was wrong with me—somehow different than most people—and unable to accomplish some very important goals—like how to manage money, create consistent income, be more disciplined, write my books. I never seemed to make much progress with finances and professional goals—too disorganized, little follow through, procrastination, memory issues, and serious resistance to paper work.

Other people seemed to handle some of these basic skills—people who haven't done a fraction of the work on themselves that I have done. So what the hell is the problem? Now I'm not denying the skills, talents, and accomplishments that I have attained, in fact I'm proud of many things. Yet everyday I wake up feeling that I have fallen far short of my potential.

Over the last few years I have spiraled down into a very dark place. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. Negative beliefs. Loss of confidence. And depression. These go against the grain of all that I believe and teach. I've reached a point this year that borders on despair.

Now I know this isn't likely to win me any positive thinking awards; nor is my revealing all this likely to draw tons of business, but it is the truth. I often teach “make the private public” and “you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free.” So I'm taking my own medicine, and renewing my commitment to practice what I preach. One of my strengths is that I don't give up on the things most important to me. That's why I'm writing these blogs.

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with ADD. I can't tell you what an impact this has made--anger, confusion, questions--but mostly relief. I suddenly have a name for “what is wrong with me”. At first I feared I might be using this as an excuse, so I pretty much put it aside thinking I can fix this myself. Well I can't. I need help—structure, support, and maybe medication.

My learning lesson for the day: “Do something.” I can't do everything I want to do and certainly not everything well—but I can do something. So today I choose to do what I can do—and without self-criticism, scorn, or shame. One task at a time, one day at a time--”the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Blessings,

Gary