Love The One You're With

Remember the old song "Love The One You're With" ?  In working with so many couples over the years as a marriage and family therapist, I've observed that most couples seem to look for the reasons why this person isn't the "right one" or isn't "doing it right"--fight support, right behavior, right way to show love, right way to communicate, etc. 

What if we turned that around and started looking for all the ways that this is the perfect match for me at this time--look for all the ways that our partner is not only "right" but perfect for me at this time? What if you started every day with "How do I love thee, let me count the ways" as your first meditation?  Then take every day to compile a list of loving intention--I wonder how many "right" things would show up on that list!

Make a decision to love instead of looking for reasons to not love. 

Just a thought--but I'm sure your relationship is different.  After all, it has to be about him/her, doesn't it?  I'm sure that you need better material to work with to build "the right relationship".  After all, who would you be if you were on a path to love even the unloveable?  Maybe if you can just find the right person, you'll live happily ever after--or not!

Walk in love,

Gary

Start from Core

I hear lots of talk about success, outcomes, and reaching heights of accomplishment.  Obviously, these are important aspects of any individual as well as any organization.  Yet much of the talk is about finding techniques, strategies, and improvement in habits and behaviors.

But where does quality improvement begin?  If you are growing a tree to reach its highest potential, do you focus on the branches or the bark or the leaves?  These are the visible aspects and certainly important. Yet the most important aspects of growth--in trees as well as in people--lie in the roots.  It's the roots that determine the quality and strength of a tree.  If the roots are well nourished and developed, the tree grows.

Similarly for people, if the core is well nurtured, potential is approached.  What is the core?  It is the essence of a human being--the deeper unseen aspects of who one truly is.  It is the core of a person that determines his or  her outcomes.  You are a product of your core.  If that core is ignored, you won't grow to your potential. 

It is imperative, therefore, that you know who you are, how you are connected, how and what you decide and choose, how you direct your energy and attention, and how you create plans and appropriate actions in all your important endeavors.  When you are grounded and aligned in basic core values, you flourish. What core values?  Truth, Love, Power, Vision, and Wisdom nurture your soul and allow you to operate from that pool of divine energy that strenthens, empowers, and expresses your very essence or core.

Pay attention to the deeper things.  These deeper things--values, beliefs, identity, and spirit--make you what and who you are.  This is your core.  This is your rootedness.  Take care of the roots and the branches will prosper. 

Keep growing,


Gary

Look Inside

“You can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.” Rawandan proverb

You've heard it said: "You can run but you cannot hide".  It's true--wherever you go, you take you with you.
What does this mean?  It means that you what lies within you will not be denied.  We must be willing to allow Soul to express itself.  There are many ways to express Soul--art, music, intuition, nature, relationship, meaningful work, creativity, sensuality, and bliss to name a few.  Make no mistake, when we deny Soul's expression, we deny our fundamental essence. 

No, it's not about success, accomplishment, wealth, or accolades.  These can be satisfying and exciting--but they will not open the doors to your Soul expression.  When the Soul is expressed, compassion is released.  Purpose and meaning are marks of life aligned with Source. 

It pains me to see so many people running from that which can't be escaped--and not even know it.  Turn inward. As Jesus said: "the kingdom of heaven lies within".  Soul, essence, and connection to Source--these are the places where the life worth living originates.

Peace to you,

Gary

" Excellence is not an act but a habit. We are what we repeatedly do." Aristotle

You've heard it said that "Practice makes perfect". Well of course that's only true if you practice perfectly. I suggest that instead of perfect, practice makes permanent. The more we practice a thought, a feeling, a behavior, or a pattern, the more etched into our blueprint it becomes.

So practice smoking, or eating unhealthy foods, raging, getting anxious or depressed, as well as any other limiting or unwanted pattern, and it gets stronger and more enduring--or permanent.
Permanent, that is, until we practice something different which overrides, dilutes, or cancels the former pattern.

The really exciting news about this "practice makes permanent" strategy is that in order to create a lasting positive pattern, all we have to do is practice it. So if you want to feel vibrant instead of depressed, develop a "vibrant" strategy and practice it. If you want to feel calm instead of anxious, develop a "calm" strategy and practice it. This same strategy can be employed for gaining health, becoming fit, creating positive expectancy, becoming more loving, or fun, or prosperous, or...you name it.

Our neural system depends on repetition; so does our learning abilities. Do you not practice weight training when you work out and do sets of "reps"? Wouldn't it be interesting to practice being honest with yourself? How about practicing letting go of unwanted attachments or habits.

We often make things far more complicated than necessary by trying to figure out all the underlying problems in a challenging behavior. I'm all for expanding awareness. In fact, I think that consciousness is the key to all transformation. Practicing positive patterns yields increased awareness.

So what do you really want in your life? Are you willing to practice having it? Then perhaps it's time to start doing the reps as you give up practicing the unwanted thoughts, feelings, and behviors that have probably been around for way too long!

Just a thought.

Gary

What's in your wallet?

"There is more in us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps, for the rest of our lives, we will be unwilling to settle for less." Kurt Hahn

I like some of the Capital One commercials that end with "what's in your wallet?"

I'm always moved when someone finds something within themselves that they didn't realize was there--and there's always more to discover! So if I can paraphrase that question: what's in your psyche?

Do you realize that most of the gifts within you have never been tapped? Carl Jung said that our conscious is like a cork floating on the ocean; our unconscious is the ocean! So what we know about ourselves is tiny compared to that we don't know. Once you begin to reveal the hidden aspects of self, you will never be satisfied with your normal routines and limitations again.

Self revelation is a lifetime process--it is the essence of all transformation. So make the commitment to continually inquire and observe--the best is always yet to come!

You are so much more than you can ever imagine!

Here's to you and the hidden power that you possess!

Gary

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Often, I sit with people who feel as though life--and opportunity--has passed them by. Thoreau spoke of people living "lives of quiet desperation". I think the term accurately expresses a sort of resignation to living their dreams.

Giving up on a vision or dream is a dangerous proposition. The mind, body, and spirit thrive on positive expectancy and hope. We must live in hope whether our circumstances reflect evidence to suggest it or not, dreams and vision alter our reality.

When people lack hope, systems begin to slow or shut down. A study of cancer survivors showed that when people had hope, they were far more likely to heal and even survive their terminal prognosis. I see the same in folks who refuse to give up even against overwhelming odds. You see, it's not so much whether or not we reach our destination--what is important is that we press on toward possibility. It's that path toward fulfilling our potential and possibility that gives us purpose. People with purpose are unstoppable.

So take a look--are there areas in your life that have sold out, given in, or given up? If so, then get your eyes back on the desired outcome--it opens up doors that difficult circumstances might have you believe are closed.

It's not too late--you can have quality life of health, happiness, and prosperity. Why? Because your current reality supports your rational assessment with evidence for hope? NO! It's because you say so! Over the next hump in your road may lie the support to energize the rest of the journey. It's never too late to be who you are and from that, to become who imagine yourself to be.

Keep the faith!

Gary

Be Careful What You See!

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Wayne Dyer

What happens when you hold a camera, frame a shot, and capture an image? You visually record what you see through that lense. Our minds work much the same way--we have an infinite selection of possible images, yet we choose to look at certain things. Like an inner photographer, we gather life experiences--and circumstances--simply by "seeing" and recording images.

So are you happy or sad or mad or loving? Well, it depends on what you are seeing. This is how you determine the quality of your life. I wonder what your life would be like if you chose to "see" the good, the valuable, the meaningful, the beauty, the divine--of course, if you did, you'd lose out on all those wonderful things like conflict, differences, stress, pain, hopelessness, scarcity, and troubles! Wouldn't that be a shame! Imagine--choosing to see the good in people, in your job, in yourself--could you handle it?

Try this: Look for every speck of beauty you can find for a solid week. Every day look for beauty in the evening news, your boss, your image in the mirror, your vehicle, the people in the cars on your way to and from work--start with small things and watch the beauty grow. Don't stop until you have 50 specks of beauty each day. Now don't do more than 50 and for God's sake don't do this for more than a week--we wouldn't want your reality to change--would we? After all, if you began to see beauty in and around you all the time, you might start feeling weird--you know, like loving, compassionate, healthy, forgiving, accepting and all that crap! So just do it for a week and record your 50 each day. Then you can go back to seeing all the troubles and be "right" about your judgments and criticisms--cause we all know how important those things are--don't we?!

Love and blessings this week!

Gary

Hostile or friendly world?

"It is only when we realize that life is taking us nowhere that it begins to have meaning." Ouspensky

I see a lot of despair in the world lately--stress, overwhelm, divisions, spiritual vacancy, financial worry, job and marriage dissatisfaction. I see it in our communities, families, nation, and in individual lives. This despair has loved ones turn on each other as much as political parties turn on each other. Are we doomed?

Einstein said that each person has one fundamental decision to make: Do I live in a friendly universe or a hostile universe? The answer to that question has great impact on our lives.

If I live in a friendly universe, I believe that life has purpose and meaning--that things will work out. The hostile universe lens, has me find enemies everywhere. I prefer to believe that there is meaning in all that is happening. The circumstances reflect back to us our inward landscape and provide a wake up call--time to make some changes.

Can you see some things in your life that may need some attention? Maybe the call is to wake up and see that you are creating these circumstances by directing your attention and efforts in less than resourceful ways--we get what we expect.

How would your life be different if you chose a friendly universe and realized that the tough times are here to serve you in your own development and potential achievement? Is there anything you'd do differently?

Just a thought.

Gary

Sing Your Song

A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song. ~ Chinese Proverb

I've spent a lot of hours in a lot of weeks over a lot of years looking for answers--therapies, psychological, relationship, business, transformational, and spiritual techniques, insights, philosophies, theologies, and all kinds of teachers. Now I love to learn and I love to help. Yet I often forget momentarily--answers isn't the answer.

My most important personal mentor was a psychiatrist named Tom Malone--a man oozing with wisdom. I remember asking him one day: "Tom, how can we best speed up the healing and change in people's lives?" I wanted to change the world and put an end to people's suffering as fast as possible. I'll never forget his response: "What's the hurry, Gary?"

Today I am reminded that the urgency we feel in wanting to fix, change, and get rid of our bad habits or "problems" only fixes our attention to circumstances and keeps us attached to our illusions--which always includes self-deception. When I am being who I authentically am, I'm not so focused on answers and problems. As I look back at my life--and the lives of thousands of people I have taught, trained, coached, and worked with over my 40 year career of helping people, I realize that people change when they are ready--not when circumstances are less than desirable.

This "trusting the process" requires a certain acceptance of self, others as they are, and life as it is. So today I reflect and remember--I've come a long way--not because of answers and changes, but because I am committed to a process of transformation that directs me into greater fields of awareness and consciousness. I'm ok as I am--in all my imperfection. Maybe you are too. Sing your song--as you are--and recognize that song as your sacred purpose. It's your song--and it's enough.

Keep singing,

Gary

Dr. Stone Busts My Chops!

I had a long conversation with Todd today--like several others in my life, myself included, he is weary and frustrated at my lack of production--products, books, cd's, videos, etc. I have so many reasons--excuses--for not getting my work out there.

Of course, he's right--just do it! My brain swirls in overwhelm when it comes to getting things done, which of course leaves me paralyzed. I love working with people and never run out of thoughts, teachings, insights, ideas, compassion, confrontations, and often some bits of transformation takes place--I love participating in the transformation process.

Yet when it comes to putting something in writing, I get crazy. Overwhelmed by some brand of perfectionism, getting started, limiting beliefs, performance anxiety, and God knows what else, I simply don't get started, and when I do, I don't complete. Within this state of overwhelm, stress builds and the pressure freezes me.

So today I promised to do what many teachers have taught me--write every day. It doesn't have to be profound or finished or polished, just friggin write! So I will write every day--because I said I would. I have a terrible track record when it comes to doing anything consistently. So I am declaring publicly that I am now a writer. What is a writer? One who writes. It doesn't have to pass any tests. I've read some bad writing--but even bad writing is written by....a writer!

So I begin today with a new label--I AM A WRITER!

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. So here's my latest first step. Let's see where it leads.

Thanks Todd--I needed that!

Ok. Here's a secret that very few seem to get--that's why I'm calling it a secret: you can have a reasonably satisfying relationship--at the very least--by simply turning your spotlight (attention, consciousness) on finding similarities rather than differences. This is what I call rapport. Rapport is magical. When rapport is established, trust starts to grow. Ultimately, good relating are built on a foundation of trust and respect. So looking for similarities/commonalities leads to the two basic truths of rapport:

1. When I think you like me, I tend to like you;
2. When I think you are like me, I tend to like you.

So liking is key to building rapport and rapport is key to good communication and relationship.

SO try it out. Think of someone you don't really like and/or have some tension/conflict with.
Make a list of all the things you have in common--especially values because common values have you feel that you are from the same "tribe"--but also hobbies, goals, qualities, etc. The more you add to the list of similarities/commonalities, the more connected you will feel--at the very least, it will give you negotiation leverage!

Just a thought.

Have enjoyed a quiet thoughtful weekend. Wondering what would people be thinking about if they weren't angry, critical, worried, or afraid--seems to occupy so much time and energy that could be directed elsewhere--like "who do I want to be when I grow up and stop bitching about the president, the republicans/democrats, the economy......" In my consulting groups, no one gets to complain unless they have 3 solutions to fix the complaint. I think I'll make that my new New Year's resolution--no complaints without at least 3 possible solutions with action steps--this includes complaints about myself!

When mind and heart aligns...

I've been listening to clients speak about their sense of being disconnected lately and find myself repeating the same message to multiple clients: there is no disconnection between you and Source--there is only disconnection of mind from heart. You're head and heart want to be on the same page and when they are not, we can easily feel as though we are spiritually or relationally isolated. Isolation is an illusion! We are intricately connected with all that is. So to operate from that fundamental understanding allows us to begin to inquire into our own ego states that have us feel as though the illusion is real--that feeling lonely means I am alone, that "feeling" disconnected means I am disconnected. As the Course in Miracles states: "if you knew all that walk with you every step of the way on your journey, you would never feel alone or afraid again"